Birthdays are supposed to be a time of joy—a celebration of life, milestones, and memories. For many parents, they’re filled with laughter, cake, and the excitement of unwrapping presents. But for parents like my husband and me, birthdays are often a complicated mix of emotions that can feel confusing at times.. This week, Sam turned 7, and as much as we love celebrating his life, his birthdays have always been challenging for us.
The Trauma That Lingers
Sam’s arrival into this world was nothing short of traumatic. His birth was one of the darkest, hardest times in our lives. We spent half of his first year in the hospital, living day-to-day with uncertainty. That experience left its mark, not only on Sam but on our entire family Every year, as his birthday approaches, those memories resurface. They’re a reminder of the fear, pain, and helplessness we felt—of the moments we weren’t sure we’d even get to celebrate his first birthday, let alone his seventh.
Grief Intertwined with Gratitude
At the same time, Sam’s birthday is a celebration of his incredible resilience and health. He has overcome so much in his seven years, and we are endlessly thankful for the progress he’s made! He’s here, he’s healthy, and he brings so much JOY to our lives! But alongside that gratitude lives grief—grief for the milestones he hasn’t reached, the differences that are highlighted in moments like these, and the longing for a sense of “normalcy” that never quite comes.
When you think of a traditional birthday celebration, you picture kids excitedly blowing out candles on a cake, tearing into presents, and basking in the love and attention of the day. For Sam, it’s different. He doesn’t eat cake, and he doesn’t care about opening presents. These small details, though insignificant, can feel like glaring reminders of where we aren’t.
It's times like this where the reality comes crashing in and just knocks us off our feet. It's not that we won't see them on a daily basis, but in a way we don't. We have our bubble and are used to the life we live now, but every once and a while when something "traditional" comes around it just highlights all they ways in which the life we are living is different. Not less, just different.
The Complexity of Connection
One of the hardest parts of these milestones is the yearning to know Sam in the same way we know our other kids. When I was sharing my feelings about his birthday last week I received a message from a fellow special needs mom and she said just that... "I understand the deep connection and understanding you want to have with him". That was exactly how I felt in that moment. Him turning seven, it felt like we should know all these things about him, like we do older children, but we don't. We are still figuring him out! With our other children, there’s an ease in understanding the likes, dislikes, and personalities. With Sam, the connection is there, but it’s layered and complex, requiring patience, observation, and a deep level of acceptance. It is also complicated by the layer of the caregiving role we have. It's not the same as parenting by any means. Milestones and traditional celebrations like birthdays are a constant reminder of how much we wish we could fully understand his world.
Navigating the Conflict
The emotions tied to Sam’s birthday are a mix of joy, gratitude, grief, and longing. Oh how I long to know him. It's a hard pill to swallow, even after all this time. On one hand, we’re thankful beyond words for his life and the love he brings to our family. Our life IS in fact better with him in it 100% but also a lot harder too! On the other hand, we grieve the challenges and the dreams we had to let go of along the way. Birthdays seem to magnify all of it. They make you take stock of where you are versus where you thought you’d be. They’re a reflection of how far we have come but also a reminder of the road that’s still ahead. And for parents like us, that reflection is heavy.
Embracing the Bittersweet
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that it’s okay to hold conflicting emotions. It’s okay to cry and grieve while you’re blowing up balloons. It's okay to still be shopping in the baby isle for a toy for your child's birthday. It’s okay to feel frustrated by the differences while also being fiercely proud of your child’s journey. Both can coexist! This year, as we celebrated Sam turning 7, we did so in a way that felt authentic to him. We skipped the big party and opted for something he enjoys. Being around the people he loves. What makes Sam the happiest is just being included! We didn’t pressure him to open presents but instead focused on the activities that bring him joy. We went to his best friends party and it was filled with other families from his life skills class. It was beautiful and heart warming and something that made the day turn out better than we thought it would be. And while my heart still ached for what’s different, it also swelled with love and gratitude for the beautiful boy he is, for the LIFE he has given us and for the immense JOY it is to be his Mom.
For any parent navigating the bittersweet emotions of birthdays and milestones, I see you. I know this isn't easy. And just know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to grieve and celebrate simultaneously. It’s okay to long for what could have been while being deeply grateful for what is. And it’s okay to feel all of it—because parenting, especially in the journey we are on, is never just one thing. It’s all of it at once, and that’s what makes it so profoundly real and meaningful! special needs parenting, bittersweet birthdays, parenting milestones, celebrating resilience, emotional parenting journey, unique parenting experiences, parenting grief and gratitude, special needs child milestones, balancing joy and grief, navigating special needs challenges
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